I ended the connection with my ex-boyfriend. There is no easy or right answer. I've just got to do my best through this time. The Seroquel seems to be working a treat - gives me a good deep sleep and is metabolised quick enough for me to be alert during the day, thus far. My son is with me this weekend and I am trying to focus on him. I have someone coming to look at the room today (I've been without a flatmate for some time). I will also look at taking a room elsewhere if these people do not take the one at my place, as I can't afford the rent on my own on the pension any longer. Be good to fit some fun into my awareness somewhere... see how I go.

As I was walking down the stairs at the train station, I was thinking about the court case I had just lost and how my ex-boyfriend had offered to pay on my behalf. At that moment this woman smiled at me. I have done a lot of therapy around being able to receive what other people are wanting to give me. I went to the ticket booth to buy my ticket - and realised I hadn't put my purse in the handbag I had with me. My mind was thinking how I was going to get into the city???... I didn't have enough time to get to my car and drive in. The woman who had smiled at me ,was standing next to me and offered me money for my ticket. How much does that happen these days??? I accepted and she told me that she had smiled at me because I have a highly unusual aura and she sensed that I was having financial trouble. I told her I had been thinking about a financial loss from a court case as I walked passed her. She said "You need a solicitor. My sister is a very good solicitor. And went to write down a name on the back of her card. I already knew who she was about to write down. It was the same woman who had worked on my financial settlement in my marriage - she certainly is an amazing woman. I got goosebumps.

I've tried to reach the lady to give her back the money but can't get hold of her yet. I will keep trying coz I don't think she should be out of pocket for her generosity.

I've still got verbal diarrohea and increased appetite. Last night I had insomnia on a increased dose of Seroquel. Go figure? I took a little extra seroquel and agomelatine to get back to sleep after 3 hours of nothing else working. I will text my pdoc for advice about tonight's dose. Losing the court case yesterday and having an intense counselling session with my ex-boyfriend, probably explains last night's sleep being affected.

As I was walking down the stairs at the train station, I was thinking about the court case I had just lost and how my ex-boyfriend had offered to pay on my behalf. At that moment this woman smiled at me. I have done a lot of therapy around being able to receive what other people are wanting to give me. I went to the ticket booth to by my ticket - and realised I hadn't put my purse in the handbag I had with me. My mind was thinking how I was going to get into the city???... I didn't have enough time to get to my car and drive in. The woman who had smiled at me ,was standing next to me and offered me money for my ticket. How much does that happen these days??? I accepted and she told me that she had smiled at me because I have a highly unusual aura and she sensed that I was having financial trouble. I told her I had been thinking about a financial loss from a court case as I walked passed her. She said "You need a solicitor. My sister is a very good solicitor. And went to write down a name on the back of her card. I already knew who she was about to write down. It was the same woman who had worked on my financial settlement in my marriage - she certainly is an amazing woman. I got goosebumps.

I've tried to reach the lady to give her back the money but can't get hold of her yet. I will keep trying coz I don't think she should be out of pocket for her generosity.

I've still got verbal diarrohea and increased appetite. Last night I had insomnia on a increased dose of Seroquel. Go figure? I took a little extra seroquel and agomelatine to get back to sleep after 3 hours of nothing else working. I will text my pdoc for advice about tonight's dose. Losing the court case yesterday and having an intense counselling session with my ex-boyfriend, probably explains last night's sleep being affected.

This forum was a life saver. The support I got at my lowest ebb pulled me through one of my darkest time. I can get more out of posting with people I don't know, than I can making small talk and pretending to be well with people in "real life". I struggle to feel safe around people in real life. I struggle to stay focussed when I am interacting with them. I am so lonely and lost for an outlet for safe-feeling connection that I could honestly risk having my days consumed by relating with people here who "get it". I also really like to help people. I don't know if I actually succeed in that respect, but I love to at least try. I'm going to start drawing up my values and goals and creating some structure in my life while I am hypomanic, with full acceptance that I won't be able to continue when I am depressed. Hopefully this low dose of Seroquel may be able to provide some level of mood stabilisation and I get to enjoy the very elusive "normal mood". I am so self-focussed atm, I can't stand it! I know it is important that I tend to my illnesses but I do dream of a time that my illnesses don't consume every fibre of my being to manage, (and still not stabilise). Living with illness can open us up to being very compassionate beings but I know I also run the risk of also being very self-focussed.
I see that in my friend of 20 odd years. I have always been her support despite me being sicker than her in many ways. Recently I set new parameters of requesting her to acknowledge my struggles, make room for my feelings and needs in the friendship and reciprocity in the friendship. She's really struggling with the new paradigm. Hopefully by balancing my boundaries in "real life", there is more chance of my needs being met "in real life".
I still need to be more self-sufficient though and not rely on others to help me through. I've got to re-set that structure for balanced eating, balanced exercise, meditation, balanced sleep and attending to physical health. Having a routine around it means I don't have to think it everyday and that energy can be taken up with less self-focussed activity.

...for a bipolar like me who can't seem to stop blabbering!

I only talk when I feel comfy - and when I feel comfy - everything seems to tumble out. I'm slightly elevated atm. I just read Cracked suggesting we write early warning signs. Mine? Increased energy, increased mental clarity, a feeling of hopefulness, wanting to and feeling confident to engage with others, organisation.

One good thing is at least I am feeling a little tired.

I joined a walking group this morning, and drove to yoga but got stuck in traffic and got locked out, went to women's health centre and spoke to the manager and returned a library book. I rang the HR lady and told her I would be coming back to voluntary work . I'm taking on way too much and I will have to extricate myself from it, as I swing back to depression.

I might be a bit naughty and have a day nap a little later coz I got up so early this morning and I have been hypomanic for three days, so taking it easy rather than sleeping is prolly the better option.

I've got to buy a new fridge and I don't know quite how I am going to go about it financially but it is a medium term goal that I can chip away at, one day at a time.

Thanks for reading. Cheers, LW